Thursday, November 30, 2006

Pictures Are Self-Explanatory

The second is one of the many bathroom pictures roommate took - see the silly lady?

The rest are pretty self-explanatory if you've been reading the last few posts, if not, well, um the pictures are of London and Thanksgiving in Liverpool.

Of note: if you look closely at the first picture you'll see me looking very thoughtful behind the glass.

Liverpool London and Home

I was thrilled to be introduced to crumpets and tea the morning after – oh, who are we fooling? The afternoon after I arrived in Liverpool, I was introduced to crumpets and tea. While I’m not a huge fan of tea, it was fine for a hung-over and extremely tired me. The crumpets were fantastic in all their gooey honeyness. B & D and I finally left the house around four in the afternoon to wander around downtown and check out the wharf. Standing against the freezing wind overlooking the little bay, I couldn’t help but imagine what my ancestors felt, over two and a half centuries ago, when they first climbed aboard that rickety ship leaving their home, their way of life, everything - for a chance at something better an ocean away. And here I stood. I flew in relative comfort supported by entertaining films and red wine. I dozed along a rail mentally decapitating other passengers. I walked the last bit against a stiff wind. In only two days travel, I’d accomplished what must have taken them months of hardship. And I did it with only the fear of plummeting out of the sky and the terror of airline food.

We watched the lights flicker off the old buildings, musing at each architectural dream and finally hopped a cab back downtown to catch a play, “The taming of the shrew.” An all male cast portrayed Shakespeare in ‘70’s style costume, but with all the passion and words of the original performance.

Some tasty curry later, we headed home to bed. The only difficulties from there lay in my learning to open the door early in the morning – hey, the locks are weird – and catching a view of Big Ben before heading to Heathrow. I barely made my flight, and only received one more scolding for being late. I got lost! Honestly, the British are really into scolding people.

I’ll upload the pictures tonight or tomorrow, but just to be clear, there are no pictures of scolding. Be aware, however if you are unfortunate enough to scold me when I move there you will end up on this site with an accusatory statement and some unsavory comments beneath your picture followed by your home address and phone number in order that the American embassy may hunt you down and shake their fist menacingly in your direction.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Happy Birthday!

Well, my blog is one year old today! Yay to Ldbug! Yup, that's all I've got on the subject. I was thinking of doing something cool, maybe a year in review, but I took a glance at the past year and decided I'd rather leave it there - in the past. I'm happy to be where I am now. I've got new stories to write, and a new life to follow. It's taken awhile to get here, so why bother and dwell on last year? Anyway, Happy Birthday Ldbug and thanks for giving me the medium to get out there and shout a little.


On another note...London trip day II, Liverpool

I arrived at the train station only 15min before the train left for Liverpool. The next didn't leave for an hour and I'd promised B I'd meet her at noon. So I ran around a little looking for the ticket kiosk. In the process I was scolded for not "queueing" properly. Actually, I was just trying to get a better look at the information desk to see if they sold tickets, I wasn't cutting in line! Still the guy went off on me about if I wanted to start my own queue blah blah blah. So I apologized, moved away and, in true lady-like fashion flipped him off and stuck my tongue out at him behind his back. That done, I found the ticket kiosk.

The trip to Liverpool was fine, except I was scolded again, this time by an old lady when I asked very politely how we were supposed to know where to sit since some people had reserved seats and some didn't. I shrugged that one off and chose a seat at random. Lucky me, I sat behind a Michigan father-son duo. It took a lot of will power not to kill them. They were sitting across from two Liverpool ladies and proceeded to explain that Thanksgiving celebrates the native American 'rain god' (no it doesn't), that "there's really nothing to see in America," (yes there is - think pueblo ruins, Old Faithful, grizzly bears, moose, the statue of liberty, New Orleans, the largest bodies of fresh water in the world...I could go on), and proceeded to ask if they used 'sponges' in England and if they knew how many states we had or who our president was. I'm really proud of myself for not killing them. They also massacred American history - and yes, they were serious the whole time. To be fair the ladies were pretty dense too. They asked if we had baked beans in America.

So I made it without bloodshed and only got yelled at twice. My friend and I met at the station after a little confusion as to where to meet and, well it's been 10 years. She was worried I might be the scary punk girl wandering the place.

We checked out downtown and I got my picture by a Beatles statue (very embarrassing, but had to be done). Then we rushed off to begin Thanksgiving dinner. B violated a turkey, I peeled sweet potatoes and made those hand turkeys we used to make as kids for arts & crafts. Guests showed up, we drank, we ate, we retired to the front room to sit in front of the fire and drink coffee and brandy, we ate more pie. It was a good night. Thoroughly traditional, we even had the cranberries in a can to decorate the table. No one eats those of course, we just admire the thick jelly paste that maintains the same shape as the can. We managed to get to bed by 4am that night...

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


Please people, please for my sanity switch to beta blogger!! I can't tell you how many comments I've lost b/c of non-beta people. I hate to do this, but if you aren't on beta and my comment is lost, then I'm not going to keep re-logging on to re-comment, it's just too much for my fragile condition.

London at a glance, Day I

(Pictures to come later..)

The roommate and I landed at about 7:30am on Thanksgiving Day at Heathrow airport. Not an enthusiastic flyer, I didn’t nod off until 20 minutes before touchdown. Needless to say, this was going to be a long day.

We waited in line for almost an hour to get through customs at which point I was chastised for having lost my printed trip itinerary. Apparently I looked like just the sort of person who would sneak into the UK and take up illegal residency. Finally, they passed me through after a good talking to and I entered the country.

Sooz and I grabbed our bags and headed for the train. It took awhile to figure out we were looking for the “underground” during which time Sooz took many pictures of the bathroom (please, don’t ask) and I grabbed some funny money from the ATM.

We really wandered around for 30 to 40 minutes looking for the entrance to the “underground.” A few hesitant moments on buying tickets and checking to see we were on the right train, and we were off! The ride itself took about an hour – an hour of squinting at the sun and checking out the locals on their commute into the city. Of note, the ladies in New York have better shoes, but as Sooz pointed out, the shoes were more practical in London.

We hit our hotel to drop off our bags and wandered up the street in search of an English breakfast. I ordered eggs on toast with bacon, forgetting the bacon is different, and Sooz ordered something that came with brown sauce. We were both intrigued by the eating experience, particularly because people could smoke in the little cafe, which added an entirely different element to half cooked pork and brown sauce.

Slightly energized with multiple cups of coffee, we ventured out into the sun and found our way to the British Museum. What can I say here? We saw half the world. The Rosetta stone was a lot smaller than I thought it would be, but still fascinating. We stumbled through display upon display and found ourselves in the Parthenon. Amazing sculptures, some half disintegrated others almost whole, peered at us from the walls gesturing wildly with broken limbs. Throughout the museum little Harry Potter-like kids ran around in cute little uniforms attracting almost as much attention as the artifacts. We knew it was time to leave when things began to fuzz together as happens after around 36 hours without sleep.

Walking back I swear the pavement slipped back and forth trying to trick my feet. Add to that the cars and busses whooshing by in the wrong direction, and it’s really a miracle we survived the walk back to the hotel. We checked in, and struggled to our little, very ghetto room and passed out for a couple of hours.

Insistent that we hit the town for the only night we’d both be in London, I encouraged us to get out of bed and we wandered out around 7pm after an interesting experience with the lukewarm showers. We found an internet cafe and got in touch with family and found our friends in the UK. A nice little pub in Coventry Gardens entertained us until closing time. Sooz then headed to bed, and I checked out the hotel bar, again, and interesting experience of chatting with cute little British boys. Around 1am, I called it a night. Next chapter? Liverpool.....

Monday, November 27, 2006

Home Again

Back in NY and very tired. I worked it out that I averaged 4 hours of sleep per night since Wednesday. I really need to learn to sleep in transit! Planes and trains, and a grumbling American don't go over too well. So, I have pictures and stories, but they're going to have to to catch up on and sleep to be done - or something to that effect.

---------------------- Normal transmission to resume tomorrow -------------------------------Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......................

Friday, November 24, 2006

Liverpool moment

Hey guys!! I'm in Liverpool right now, at my friend's house cooking Thanksgiving dinner, Yay! Ok, we're a day late, but that's OK. The turkey is in, the yams are in, the cranberries are hanging out in their can, we're in the process of freaking out British people with our strange food - like the green bean casserole, yummmmm!

Wait, why the hell am I talking to you people! Things to do...people to when I get back to the States:-)

Wednesday, November 22, 2006


Well, I'm off to London this evening - well, including taxi ride, more like this afternoon! The roommate and I will hit London tomorrow to see a few sights then split up since I have a friend in Liverpool and she has one..uh..somewhere else.

I'm excited to see London, but since we'll only get one day there it'll be a quick visit. I'm actually more excited to travel out to Liverpool - no not because of the city, but because I haven't seen my friend since we graduated from High school almost ten years ago! (yeah, I'm that old)

I remember so many times we hung out growing up. My favorite memory was the summer we went up to Flathead. Her poor mother volunteered to take seven 13 year old girls camping and to the waterslides. That was a cold and rainy summer, and all the better for us since we had the water park to ourselves. Being of tough, Montana stock we swam in the freezing lake, and biked in the mud. In the evening we sat around the fire and gossiped about the cute boy we'd seen wandering around the camp-ground. Even better, he came over to talk to us!!

Now I'm going to see my friend, so many years later, and meet her boyfriend in Liverpool. BD and I are going to cook a traditional American Thanksgiving dinner (really, whatever that means) on Friday for boyfriend and his friends. Yes, I know Thanksgiving is on Thursday, but I'll be in London that day having just flown in.

So, I don't know how "traditional" this meal is going to be - I mean, do you guys even have cranberries in a can or yams? Well, at least I know the turkey made it overseas;-)

Fourdinners, I would love to see you but this trip is going to be so fast. I'm in London Thursday, then Liverpool on the weekend, then leave on Sunday, but I promise, when I finally move there (hoping for March) I would love to meet up with you, Jax and Caz!

Ok, so I'll be back on Sunday night, or if too tired, Monday so everyone have a great Thanksgiving (if you're in the states) and everyone else have a great weekend!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006


Yes I understand that IT is supposed to stand for ‘information technology’ but I feel that IT means something much, much, much more evil.

IT transferred my e-mail account to another system.

IT took over my computer to shut down and load updates while I was working on a document.

IT won’t update my java-script.

IT is everywhere, and no one.

IT is scary.

My vision of IT is a giant with robot-like qualities and a computer screen for a head. IT grumbles with a low-pitch fax sound. IT whips multi-colored cables about flaunting microchips, crushing mice and clattering keyboard teeth.

IT is a Stephen King book turned creepy office crawler.
And if IT rears in my direction again, I’m pulling the damn plug!

Monday, November 20, 2006

Cooking 101

In preparation for Thanksgiving and the upcoming holiday season....

Here are a few tips I’ve learned so as not to seriously maim, choke, or poison yourself while utilizing that heating contraption in your kitchen to turn hunks of raw material into something of an eatable, cooked material.

Step 1: Check that the pilot light is lit in a gas stove before turning the gas knob. This is to prevent (a) gas poisoning and (b) very large explosion

Step 2: Don’t store excess pans on stove then try to remove them after heating the pan of interest as this will result in painful blisters, screeching cat, and bruised big toe.

Step 3: Chop vegetables first. Meat second due to that ‘germ theory’ we’ve discussed in previous posts.

Step 4: Do not use overly sharp knife as this will inevitably result in unnecessary blood loss.

Step 5: Wait to add oil to pan until chopping is finished otherwise the smoke alarm will go off as you are probably busy searching frantically for amputated little finger.

Step 6: Add raw material to pan in sensible order, note: hot oil leaves blisters much like those from hot pans, burners, and really anything above ‘tepid.’

Step 7: Stir with long handled spoon as short ones tend to allow for mishaps noted in Step 6.

Step 8: Cool cooked material before test-tasting as choking is a very real possibility while huffing around burning tongue and hopping up and down on good foot.

Step 9: Do Not Leave Kitchen! If you for any reason, be it nature calling, cat attacking neighbor, ‘the good part of the movie, you’re missing it!’ The entire procedure thus far will turn into hideous black encrusted inedible nightmare that will result in: (a) smoke alarm, (b) panicked animals, and (c) warped pots ‘soaking’ in the sink for an undetermined amount of time.

Step 10: Turn off flame before attempting to remove cooking pan with towel wrapped hand as the towel occasionally will slip into the flame and cause problems associated with Step 9.

Step 11: Plate at counter to prevent curious animal investigations and scorched tables.
Step 12: Enjoy! – be safe out there kids!

Friday, November 17, 2006

Busy signal

I checked my cell as I was leaving work the other day and, surprise of all surprises, my mom had left a message. Being the dutiful, perfect daughter that I am, I immediately checked the message and returned the call.

I waited patiently as my cell phone searched the heavens, found a satellite, communicated that it would like to talk to Montana, argued that Montana is indeed a place, fiddled about a bit as the satellite confirmed this outrageous claim and finally, finally, connected the call through.

Lucky me! I thought, happily awaiting the much anticipated phone conversation. And then, then, I was assaulted by a tone I only hear from one phone in the entire world...a busy signal.

Not a little frustrated, I punched ‘end’ and went about some errands I had planned that evening.

About an hour later, my cell phone and I patiently explained that while Montana seems like a whimsical place reserved to the musty pages of a long lost western adventure book, it does in fact exist and people live there – with phone service, and again sighed as the skeptical satellite put the call through.

That beeping taunted me, haunting from another world, no, another time. A fantastical time with rotary phone dials and operators named “Ethyl” and message machines that half-heartedly recorded your precious voice on tiny cassette tapes.

I didn’t call again. It’s too upsetting. My parents are resigned to live with a phone attached to the wall of their home without caller ID, without call waiting, hooked up to an ancient message machine they can’t figure out and connected to the same line they receive their, *gasp* dial-up internet service. I’ve argued myself blue in the face about this new age of cell phones. How you don’t have to take the phone with you, how caller ID, recorded messages, and call waiting come at no extra charge. How the same company that sets them up with a cell phone also sets you up with wi-fi for just a little more. How you don’t need to have a separate long distance company. All my arguing has come to no avail. All has come down to this: beep...beep....beep....beep........

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Did you know where Ohio is?

Nope, me either.

I'm also slightly fuzzy as to locating Wisconsin, Indiana, Minnesota, and Michegan...see a pattern?

The mid-west-great-lake states. Lots of people come from them, but I've yet to know of anyone to move to one.

Ok, maybe my geography is pretty weak, but....

I'll bet there are a few of you who are a tad hazzy on Montana, Idaho, Wyoming...I've at least got those down!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

A very long time ago.....

I was a kid. I think five was my best year yet. I remember that entire year as if it were yesterday. Truly, not many people remember their fifth year of life, but for some odd reason, I do. It was the year I wore the 'prettiest dress in the world' for Christmas and my fifth birthday. A white frilly number with little red roses and a lovely red satin sash. I remember being complemented at the mall on our way to have a picture taken with Santa. I remember Santa having a real beard that year. I think that was the only time I'd ever seen Santa for real.

My birthday party four days after Christmas swirled with candy, presents, a lit Christmas tree, and sparkly stickers pasted onto masks.

Later that year, during those long, Indian summer days that belong only to Montana, I remember running inside the cool house thrilled with play, fun, friends, and sun. I ran in just to tell my mom that this was "the best year yet."

I didn't understand the look she gave me. Sort of a cross between sad and happy. Happy for her little daughter to be so full of life, sad because the world was still a sad place. Maybe sad because she knew one day that happiness would have to collide with the outside sadness.

But I still remember what it feels like to be happy.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Talking Politics

I voted, so I get to talk. Actually, I thought it was cool that my home state got on the news. Montana was one of the states the democrats were fighting for the senate with.

Truth be told, I’m much more conservative than most people realize. I think a health care system styled like the ones in Canada and the UK, is not right for the US. Mostly this stems to my father who has had five open-heart surgeries. If we had in place a system like Clinton had wanted in, he’d be dead. I’m not a huge fan of non-profits, and I think our welfare system hurts more people than it helps. Mostly, I’m not a fan of the Federal government having too much power over the states, they open the door wide for people to take advantage of the system. Keeping it local allows for more control over that kind of thing.

And stem-cell research, gay/lesbian marriage, and pro-life matters shouldn’t be associated with either party because those are hot issues that everyone has a different, personal view about regardless of which party they vote for.

So, because most people don’t know what I think politically (until they get to know me and I trust them) most assume I’m a democrat. I’ve voted for democrats before, but I’m mostly republican. I keep my mouth shut, though. Why? Because most conversations end up like this:

Them - “We will not be silent!”
Me – “uh, yeah”
Them – “Bush is an uneducated ass”
Me – take a sip of wine to avoid answering
Them – “Stem cells are going to cure cancer”
Me – “You’re not a scientist are you?”
Them – “No, but Bush’s an ass”
Me – “Oookay”

Why should I bother with my point of view? They won’t listen. They don’t care that I have just as much right to an opinion as they do. I have some great debates with my close friends whose views often clash with mine. My friends listen to me, and I to them. We respect one another, those people I’m lumping together above don’t respect any clashing opinions.

Take home message, when you meet someone, keep your politics politely tucked away until you get to know them.

I hope for the best with the new congress. Truthfully? I don’t think it matters which party is in power, they all manage to ignore the middle class anyway.

Friday, November 10, 2006


I was educated on scarves the other day.

Her – they’re so fresh
Me – Uh huhh
Her – unlike jewlery which is sooo hard
Me – (eyebrows raise, I just bought a cool, understated necklace)
Her – you know? They’re so colorful and fresh!
Me – (you look like you’re choking)
Her –I really need to take you shopping
Me – yeah, I need some help I guess.
Her – (nodds emphatically) And we can get some fresh scarves!
Me – Well, I don’t really like things around my neck, I can’t wear turtle neck sweaters...
Her – (after a thoughtful pause) But they’re so fresh.
Me – Right.

I don’t think they’re “fresh”, they’re pretentious. The wearer constantly fidgets with it as if they’re trying to hang themselves in an elegant manner. I wear a long, warm blue scarf that my best friend knitted for me with my coat when it’s cold. That’s sensible. I don’t wear it inside, though, that’s stupid. Wearing a scarf around your neck tucked into your shirt looks, well, silly. I want to tell her she reminds me of a bird with a puffed out bright chest. I want to tell her it’s rude to knock my cheap clothes. I want to, but I don’t think I will. She seems the fragile type that may just tighten that scarf a bit too much one day....

Thursday, November 09, 2006


Another intern got a job. Ok, that’s two out of three. I guess it’s just up to me to get on the ball. My boss extended my internship for another three months to finish up this project. Ho-hum, no medical insurance for a few more months, but it gives me a little more time to convince them to put me in the London office!

People need to stop celebrating things on weekdays. My head is killing me. We started at a wine bar. Now, wine and I get along fine, if we’d stayed there, all would’ve been well. But then, the girl of the hour insisted on heading to an upscale joint for really expensive cocktails. I got yelled at for not checking my umbrella (which was dry) and had two drinks. Only two! My head hurts for two, ugh. I’ve learned from experience that my head does not appreciate Bud Light, Stella, whiskey, and vodka. These need to be relegated to Saturday nights alone. But, I couldn’t argue out of the first one, and the second just showed up...wait, I think there may have been a third.

Anyway, it was fun to get that co-worker drinking because she loosened up. She’s a bit, uh, stuck up? I can’t tell. Really, I simply can’t classify this girl. But I think that’s because she’s actually a really fun, relaxed cool kid trapped inside of some kind of mold for an uptight, business-woman. I think she’s worried about what everybody thinks of her and feels like she is a failure to her family. And all that worry comes across poorly.

She recently got married and her parents are thrilled about that. They’re thrilled she got married, not about her Ph.D., her research as a post doc, her job here at this fairly prestigious publishing company.

Someone needs to carry a big foam hand around and smack around parents who are stuck in the ‘50s. This is getting ridiculous.

Are not the Baby-Boomers the ones who marched on D.C.? Are they not the ones who reveled in the music revolution, caused the race riots, rebelled against society, burned their bras, experimented with drugs?

That generation is really starting to piss me off. Now they’re old, they look back on their childhood and claim it was the best and that everything was ruined by all the revolution and change they are responsible for. Music was pure, neighborhoods were plastic, TV was wholesome, life was perfect.


Life was not perfect, take a closer look Boomers, music was censored, neighborhoods were cheap because your parents couldn’t afford much after being through a depression and a world war.

Your parents were too young, had too many kids, and left their own dreams unfulfilled. The reason your mom’s didn’t work is because they couldn’t. They weren’t allowed much opportunity, and besides they had an overflowing nest to try and maintain. TV was racist and sexist.

Your lives were not perfect, hense the hippie movement, hense the civil rights movement, hense the sexual revolution, hense the drugs. You grew up so confined and bored that the second you got out from under your parents roof you went nuts.

Some good came from that. We got one, painful step closer to equality. That was important and still is. But, you also gave us HIV, heroine addicts, cocaine as a passtime. Your government stole our social security. You went too far, way, way too far.

Then to make up for that, you gave us the childhoods you wished you'd had. And we appreciate that. Most of us have great memories of childhood.

But we’re adults now. We need jobs and you refuse to retire. We need a future and you refuse to give us our social security money. We live in a scary world, made all the more frightening because we no longer live in a 1950’s cocoon. World news spreads in seconds. We know people are dying and we can’t help them. We know wars are being fought and we can’t stop them.

We know! We know! We worry and stress and ultimately try to live our little lives. So enough, OK? Enough is enough. Retire, and read a book and have a glass of wine and just relax. Get out of our way, get out of our heads, and for the love of God, let us live our lives. Marriage does not = happiness. We’re not stupid, we know that being alone is not fun, we are not looking to be single for the rest of our lives, but it does not help one iota for you to push the idea that every woman should be married at twenty-two.

It does not help for you to push the idea that everyone should live like they did when the world was perfect, because it wasn’t. And the results of trying to live up to your expectations while competing with you in the workforce is turning perfectly normal, fun, light-hearted people into bitter shadows.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006


Congratulations on your job Sooze!! I know you'll be great at it, and we'll get to sit closer in the office, within throwing distance at least. So, if you don't get your fill of me at the house;-)

And, thanks for dinner last night, the Hobbit who served us did a fine job in wine recommendations!

Coming soon to A Bug's View: a throrough in-depth examination of the Hobbits in this city......

Monday, November 06, 2006

Two of my favorite things..

Sorry, I'm out of inspiration for the moment...well, that's a full on lie, because I just bought a couple books, and am happily sipping wine on the couch and can't be bothered to write:-)

This is Stormy. For those of you who've known me for awhile, you already know the story, but for the rest, well: Stormy found me on a rainy, sleety (is that a word?) night last January. He was tiny then, but in fluff and body, he's grown. He still loves nothing more than hanging out with his mom, though.

Next to him is the latest book (in paperback) of one of my favorite series. It's a book by Kathlene and Michael Gear who are both archeologists and have written the first North American series. I've been hooked since the first book, some eight years ago.

I know some of you don't like cats. For allergy reasons, I understand, otherwise? Well, you've never met this one! He meets me at the stairs every day so excited that I'm home. I can't say how much that means after a long day, and well, after the painful years I've had, it's great to know this little guy is here at home just anxious to see me!

Ok, back to the book and the Bordeaux!

Saturday, November 04, 2006

From Minor Celebrety to Web

Well, I finally got these pictures uploaded from Halloween!

Our holiday started at a house party on Sat. night, where roommate, Sooze, was a spider, and I went as Rainbow Bright.

I became a minor celeb for the night with every women coming up to me at some point throughtout the night ecstatic to see their childhood memory personified.

Then on Tuesday, Sooze and I dressed up as spider and web for the work costume competition. While we didn't win, we did collect a cult following for the most original at the office.

That evening we headed out of the office to march in the Halloween parade where we met some Spaceballs and found Waldo!!

The crowds were great! Most in costume were in the parade, and the sidewalks were packed with spectators. While there were a few moments of 'too many people'!!, it was a great night in New York!

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Too Much?

Ok, poor me I’m going to whine for a post so avert your eyes!! Yes you, look away! Ldbug is going to talk about *gasp* wanting a boyfriend. I know, I know, I’m much too cool for this, but even amazing women like me stumble from time to time.

So, what I’m wondering is: am I asking too much?

What I want in a guy

1. Older than me, by even a day, it doesn’t matter, I hate feeling old. But not too old mind you, because that would just be creepy. So we’re looking at an age range of 28 – 35 or so.
2. Not allergic to cats.
3. Actually reads books from time to time.
4. Taller than me, I’m 5’3’’ so I don’t think that’s unrealistic...
5. Is not adverse to going for a run now and then.
6. Has some sort of college degree. The ex didn’t have one and, while it never bothered me, it certainly bothered him. So, to avoid the whole ego thing...
7. Has a job.

What I am surrounded by

1. >25
2. Breaks out in hives
3. Has trouble deciphering Charlie Brown cartoons
4. Hobbit
5. Out of breath putting on his hobbit shoes
6. Is still in college
7. ??

Again I mutter, am I asking too much? How exactly is it that all the women here are fabulous and all the men are prematurely balding hobbits who collect comic books? Is it so unrealistic to think that somewhere in a city of 8 million people there is a 28-35 year old, over 5'3'', educated, employed, single man? And if there are some of these, where exactly do they hide out? Gad, seriously, they aren't in Brooklyn, they aren't in Manhatten, they aren't in The Bronx, they aren't in Connecticut, and I didn't even spot one in Rhode Island. I know, I've looked.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

  • Headlines

  • Part II

    Grandmother Grog was laid to rest today in the first reported Neanderthal burial. Clans marched from the far side of the ragged mountains to pay their respects. A most poignant moment was observed when one little girl donated her bark-doll for Grandmother Grog’s journey on from this world.

    Stunningly, the first Homo sapien has reportedly traversed farther north than any past explorers! Crowds gathered in homage to his bravery even as a group began preparations for their own pilgrimage out of Africa into this ‘new world.’

    The suffrage in Egypt has ended today with Pharaoh granting all of the rights demanded by the female representatives. Their new rights are to include: the right to own and sell property and businesses; to keep their maiden names; adopt children; represent themselves in court; seek any employment options. These rights were supported in a landslide victory. Anyone wishing to participate in this evening’s parade is encouraged to bring his or her own jug of wine or barrel of beer.

    Monarchy in shambles! Romans overthrew the monarchy today replacing the old government with a republic. Elections will soon be held for the first ever government of the people!

    “Robin Hood steals from the rich to feed the poor.” Despite threats from prince John, Mr. Hood’s campaign to “end world hunger” has won him the love of the people sealed with a kiss from Maid Marian.

    Colonists no longer! In a dramatic reading to Washington’s troops in New York, people responded with cheers and tears to the words, “We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal. That they are endowed by their creator with certain, inalienable rights, and that these rights are to include, Life! Liberty! And the pursuit of happiness!”

    Mahatma Ghandi’s fast ended today to the relief of his followers. Preaching peace, Ghandi has successfully brought independence to India in the ‘Quit India’ campaign. Although violence has erupted in some instances, Ghandi remains true to his beliefs inspiring thousands.

    “Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, we are free at last.” Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. is quoted in his speech of civil rights today. Following in the footsteps of Ghandi, Dr. King is successfully leading the movement to bring equality to all.

    Neil Armstrong landed on the surface of the moon today! Breathless with anticipation, a nation watched as the fuzzy images returned from outer-space. “One small step for man...”

    The wall fell today! Brought down by the very hands of the people in Eastern Germany who had suffered behind it for so long. In a dramatic union, Western Germany welcomed their brothers and sisters amid a flurry of rocks and water from a high-powered water-hose.

    A mid-western gasoline-pump owner was stunned today when he opened shop. Cash and checks scattered the floor in front of him. Upon further investigation he discovered the night employee had closed the building early, with the gas-pumps still in operation. The owner was pleasantly surprised to realize every drop of gasoline had been paid for by customers who, upon realizing the pay-station was closed, simply slipped what was due beneath the door.

    “I think they’ll make it.” Grog smiled.