Cooking 101
In preparation for Thanksgiving and the upcoming holiday season....
Here are a few tips I’ve learned so as not to seriously maim, choke, or poison yourself while utilizing that heating contraption in your kitchen to turn hunks of raw material into something of an eatable, cooked material.
Step 1: Check that the pilot light is lit in a gas stove before turning the gas knob. This is to prevent (a) gas poisoning and (b) very large explosion
Step 2: Don’t store excess pans on stove then try to remove them after heating the pan of interest as this will result in painful blisters, screeching cat, and bruised big toe.
Step 3: Chop vegetables first. Meat second due to that ‘germ theory’ we’ve discussed in previous posts.
Step 4: Do not use overly sharp knife as this will inevitably result in unnecessary blood loss.
Step 5: Wait to add oil to pan until chopping is finished otherwise the smoke alarm will go off as you are probably busy searching frantically for amputated little finger.
Step 6: Add raw material to pan in sensible order, note: hot oil leaves blisters much like those from hot pans, burners, and really anything above ‘tepid.’
Step 7: Stir with long handled spoon as short ones tend to allow for mishaps noted in Step 6.
Step 8: Cool cooked material before test-tasting as choking is a very real possibility while huffing around burning tongue and hopping up and down on good foot.
Step 9: Do Not Leave Kitchen! If you for any reason, be it nature calling, cat attacking neighbor, ‘the good part of the movie, you’re missing it!’ The entire procedure thus far will turn into hideous black encrusted inedible nightmare that will result in: (a) smoke alarm, (b) panicked animals, and (c) warped pots ‘soaking’ in the sink for an undetermined amount of time.
Step 10: Turn off flame before attempting to remove cooking pan with towel wrapped hand as the towel occasionally will slip into the flame and cause problems associated with Step 9.
Step 11: Plate at counter to prevent curious animal investigations and scorched tables.
Step 12: Enjoy! – be safe out there kids!
Here are a few tips I’ve learned so as not to seriously maim, choke, or poison yourself while utilizing that heating contraption in your kitchen to turn hunks of raw material into something of an eatable, cooked material.
Step 1: Check that the pilot light is lit in a gas stove before turning the gas knob. This is to prevent (a) gas poisoning and (b) very large explosion
Step 2: Don’t store excess pans on stove then try to remove them after heating the pan of interest as this will result in painful blisters, screeching cat, and bruised big toe.
Step 3: Chop vegetables first. Meat second due to that ‘germ theory’ we’ve discussed in previous posts.
Step 4: Do not use overly sharp knife as this will inevitably result in unnecessary blood loss.
Step 5: Wait to add oil to pan until chopping is finished otherwise the smoke alarm will go off as you are probably busy searching frantically for amputated little finger.
Step 6: Add raw material to pan in sensible order, note: hot oil leaves blisters much like those from hot pans, burners, and really anything above ‘tepid.’
Step 7: Stir with long handled spoon as short ones tend to allow for mishaps noted in Step 6.
Step 8: Cool cooked material before test-tasting as choking is a very real possibility while huffing around burning tongue and hopping up and down on good foot.
Step 9: Do Not Leave Kitchen! If you for any reason, be it nature calling, cat attacking neighbor, ‘the good part of the movie, you’re missing it!’ The entire procedure thus far will turn into hideous black encrusted inedible nightmare that will result in: (a) smoke alarm, (b) panicked animals, and (c) warped pots ‘soaking’ in the sink for an undetermined amount of time.
Step 10: Turn off flame before attempting to remove cooking pan with towel wrapped hand as the towel occasionally will slip into the flame and cause problems associated with Step 9.
Step 11: Plate at counter to prevent curious animal investigations and scorched tables.
Step 12: Enjoy! – be safe out there kids!
posted by ldbug at Monday, November 20, 2006
11 Comments:
I never get past step 1. ;)
Steve~
that is a lot to remember... here's my list.
Step 1-go to a relative's house.
You forgot about ensuring the recipe book is at least 1 foot away from any open flame. I'm told if not done this can cause a fire. Not that I'd know...
wow! I don't think I can remember all that. Thank God. I don't cook.
ha very good, me i just go for microwave meals!
Steve - due to the slight self poisoning or the explosion?
Dilling - Ooo, good list!
Boy - Yes, yes that is important, should also include recipies torn out of magazines, downloaded from computers...all flamable materials in general;-)
Adult - as you may be able to tell, I don't cook much either!! :-P
indoors - yes I definitely prefer the microwave option, yummy microwave dinners!
Yeah, my step one pretty much involves Hubby cooking. It's easier that way.
I don't cook. I don't particularly enjoy it so G does all that and I clean instead. Now I like cleaning...
Life - no hubby here:-( so I have to suffer the stove alone!!
Tod - You like cleaning?
Caz's thanksgiving is when I stay away from the kitchen all through Christmas
She's probably a great cook...I'm going to have to come over for dinner when I finally move over the pond!!
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